Today’s blog post was inspired by the song “Let It Go” on Summer Walker’s “Life on Earth ” EP. 

In a time of “cancel culture” and letting go of those situations or people that don’t serve you, people are being more protective of their energy and who they let into their space. I wanted to share my thoughts on the topic and how I’ve had to let go in my life. 

The first really stems from relationships because a lot of us have been in those relationships where you realize it’s a situation that you just literally need to let go. It’s no longer serving you and you’re no longer serving that person.

I think it’s because a lot of times we get into relationships based on expectations and not reality. It’s like we see this person for who they can be, not who they are. And of course, you want to see potential in a person, but you should also love and appreciate the person that’s in front of you. If you find yourself looking at someone and looking more so at their potential or the expectations that you have for them, rather than what in front of you, that’s a problem. 

I read a quote on a friend’s page that said, “Why don’t people just accept it when you say that you don’t want to be in a relationship?” 

I know it’s difficult for a lot of people to accept because situationships are looking more and more like relationships everyday. If someone is spending time with you, talking to you everyday, going on dates, and all signs point to you all being in a relationship, but you choose not to put a title on it and you want that person to accept it. 

I remember there was one post where someone had been cooking and cleaning for the person, doing everything that a wife would do, and people were calling her dumb because the guy had said he didn’t want to be in a relationship. 

I feel where she was coming from. She wasn’t putting any less effort in because neither was he. He was wasting her time and unfortunately, she allowed him to do it. And this is not an isolated incident. There are many people thinking they’re in a relationship, waiting to be committed to, only to realize later that this is not the type of relationship they desire. 

This young man wanted to have all the perks and benefits of being in a relationship; however, he wanted to have her dangling, just in case he found something better or someone that he wanted to keep on the side while she continued doing wifely duties at home. 

When someone tells you what they want, you have to accept it or let it go. One thing that you cannot force someone to do, is something against their will. So, you have to decide if that’s the situation that you want to be in. And if your needs are not being met, it’s time to let that situation go. 

You’re not getting a prize for hanging on. You may be getting benefits from it, like going out or  whatever that person may do for you. But ultimately, it’s not really what you want, so it’s not serving you and it’s time to separate yourself before you endure more heartache.

 I also want to address the idea where we look for one person to meet all of our needs. I think that’s another pitfall of relationships or even situationships. You become so wrapped up in one person that you forget your friends and family that you had before them. One person is never going to be able to meet all of your needs. You have your parents, siblings, friends, and coworkers for a reason. Everyone has a particular place in your life. I do believe that the person that you’re with should meet a lot of your needs as far as what you need emotionally and physically but they are not the entire source of your happiness. Make room for God, meditation, and yourself.

We need to let go of codependent relationships where your mate cannot have any life outside of you. Y’all have to go to the grocery store together. Y’all have to go to the movies together. Y’all have to go to the bathroom together. Everything that you do, you gotta do together. I think that’s another way that people can miss out on certain things. I have heard people say that they wanted to experience things but changed their mind because their mate did not want to participate. This is another reason why you should make sure that your mate has interests that are similar to yours. 

From my perspective, if there’s something that I really want to do, I’m ok with doing it alone. I don’t know if I would miss out on an opportunity because the other person didn’t want to do it and didn’t want me to go alone.  I’ve traveled more than once on my own. You can get on a plane by yourself. You can get off the plane by yourself. You can go to your location or your destination by yourself. I’ve gone to concerts by myself. I had no problem with it because it was something that I desired to do. 

My point is, you don’t have to stay in a relationship because of a need for companionship. You are not alone in this world! And if you open yourself up, you can find a friend wherever you go. 

I think that some of us find ourselves in situations because of our need to nurture and build up others. As a teacher, our last responsibility was to make sure that students were United with their parents or caregivers at the end of the day. There were so many days where I would make sure that other people’s students got on the bus or with their family. I took that on as my responsibility. The first day that I left the school without making sure that someone else’s student found their way home, I journaled about it. It was a small success for me because I had let go of the need to do someone else’s job. 

It’s similar to a mother going through empty nest syndrome. When all their children are gone, they have to ask themselves what’s next. Sometimes, it’s the transition from a mother/child relationships to a friendship. Other times, it’s discovering new things about themselves. Ultimately, it’s about letting go of something to gain something new. It doesn’t just happen to mothers. I can remember not knowing what to do with myself if I wasn’t serving or taking care of others. Now that I’ve let that go of the need to always be doing something for others, I am developing a closer relationship with myself. 

We find ourselves in situations like the young lady that I mentioned earlier where we are doing things because it’s in us to do. I’m sure when she was cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry, she was doing it from a place of love. Especially laundry, because no one wants to do that for real. But seriously, I don’t think she was doing it to get a commitment, I think she was doing things out of the kindness of her heart. When I was making sure the students got home, I was doing it from the same place. The issue comes in when you are being fulfilled by doing things for others, but your needs are not being met—your deeds are not being reciprocated. 

To avoid this, I suggest making a list. List the things you want in a job, from your mate, from your friendships. If there’s something that you want in life, you really need to write it down. If you write it down, it becomes real and you can go back and check things off as they happen. 

Speak those things that be not as though they were. Speak over your life, encourage yourself to become the person that you want to be,without limitations. Use affirmations to enrich your life. Get into a place of self-love and healing. Once you’re in that place you won’t be searching for completion in other places or people. 

Ask yourself some questions: Do I have any trauma? Am I looking for the worst in situations? Is my attitude or my mentality or my approach negative? Am I coming from the right mindset?  You need to reflect on those things and see why those relationships are not working out. Why is it that you don’t desire to be in a relationship? Are you afraid of committing because of your parents divorce or because you have not seen healthy relationships? What is that about yourself that you need to work on before you get into a relationship with someone that’s more serious and heading in the direction that you wanted to be heading in?

Remember that it’s always ok to take care of yourself but it’s not ok to lead people on. If you see that something is going too far, stop it! You’re thinking it’s just an entanglement, but they feel like you’re the love of their life. Be upfront about your intentions and when you see things getting out of hand, give a gentle reminder. It may be an uncomfortable conversation to have but it’s better than wasting someone’s time. 

Give yourself time to process. You may want to elicit the help of a friend or professional but also remember that no one knows you better than you. When you become self-aware, you become real with the person in the mirror.

In the next blog, we will discuss actionable steps to help you to let things go. 

If you want affirmations to help you begin your journey to self-awareness and healing, check out “Not in Vain”. The book and companion journal are available on Amazon. Follow this link for more details. You can find the companion journal here.

“You don’t have to stay in a relationship because of a need for companionship. You are not alone in this world! If you open yourself up, you can find a friend where ever you go.”