In the last episode, we talked about things that we needed to let go of in our lives to help us to develop relationships that we know will be long lasting and mutually beneficial. In today’s blog, we’re going to provide you with four steps to help you to let things go and re-evaluate the relationships that you have. So, let’s jump right in!

1.Realize those things that you need to let go of. This could be the easiest step or the most difficult, depending on where you are. You may not know what you really need to let go of until you reflect and process. 

Some of us need to heal from friendships, relationships with a significant other or family members, “church hurt” (IFYKUK), job hurt, and grief. 

There are people walking around that are overwhelmed, feeling heaviness in their bodies, suffering from headaches, chest pains, etc… because they are holding on to so much hurt, guilt, and shame from the past. Forgiveness is a part of letting go. Forgiveness for yourself and forgiveness for others.

We have to let these things go because we are not only stuck in the past, we are stunting our growth in the future. Some of us are living in fear of the possibility of new situations resembling our past experiences. It’s time to let those things go. You may be able to exist with the pain, you may even be successful, but eventually it is going to come up. Something is going to trigger you at some point and re-open the wound that you thought was closed. 

Some of us have also been hurt by those close to us. For some, it may even be through your parents. I know everything was not perfect. I know your parents didn’t do everything that you wanted them to do. They didn’t say everything that you wanted them to say. They didn’t buy you all the things you wanted them to buy you, but guess what? If you’re reading this, you made it anyway. Now that you made it, you can make better choices for yourself and your family. 

I also want to touch on grief. I have lost some very significant loved ones in my lifetime. I think at times we feel guilt if we are not crying or speaking on them everyday. If we don’t acknowledge every birthday, anniversary, and special time that we shared, we feel that we will forget them and others may feel that we never loved them. 

When my grandfather passed, it was the day after Thanksgiving. He was for all intensive purposes, a father to me. He taught me how to ride my bike and taught me how to drive—it took many lessons. This time around, I learned what grief was about. I learned how to love and miss him but also to realize that his spirit lives on through me. I can’t say the same for when my grandmother passed. It wasn’t that I loved one more or less than the other. It was that I hadn’t learned to grieve. 

I have been at the point where I couldn’t read a picture book to my students without crying if there was something that reminded me of her in the book. I’m speaking from experience. It’s not healthy. I cried nearly everyday for an entire year, grieving her loss, instead of celebrating her life. We don’t have control over when a person leaves us; however, we have control over how we react to it. 

We don’t know why some people live to 100 and others live to 3. We don’t know why some die of cancer, others die of natural causes, and others are killed in car accidents or other disasters. Some say that, “God doesn’t put more on us than we can bear” or “God gives his strongest battles to the toughest soldiers.” Others believe that before we come to this Earth we get to see and choose our path and we select it to learn more about ourselves, to teach others, or to develop empathy. Either way, I believe that there is no better way to honor someone’s memory than to celebrate their life and live your life purposefully knowing that one day you will transcend from a descendant to an ancestor.

If they are able to see you,  and they see you doing well and prospering. If they see you happy and joyful, I don’t think it will bring any more peace to their heart than to see you living life without regret. However, if they saw you lashing out at people, not wanting to eat, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to change your clothes, not going on with your life, not wanting to live, not leaving the house. I can say with certainty, that’s the last way that they would want you to honor their memory. Love them, miss them, do not forget them, but we must also let them go.

 2. Let Go. I know it seems very simplistic to say that, but seriously, you just really need to let it go. Some situations require work. Once you put the work in, if the situation has not improved, you have to know when to say, “I’ve given my all,” and step away before further damage ensues. Let me tell you, you’re not getting a badge, you’re not getting a medal of honor for sticking and staying in something that’s not conducive to you. You don’t win a prize for staying in an abusive relationship and it doesn’t have to be physically abusive— it could be mentally, it can be emotionally, and it could just be a situation that’s hurting you because it’s not what you want—it’s not what you see for yourself. And we really just need to let go. 

The analogy that I think of, is when you’re on a swing and you’re swinging back and forth, back and forth, back and forth because that’s kind of what the situation is like. You’re running across the same people making the same mistakes. So you’re swinging back and forth without stopping. I can remember being at the park as a child and I would watch everybody else jumping off the swing, but I would be scared to let go. I might take my hands off, but if I felt like I may fall off or lose my balance, I would grasp the handles again. 

You can’t be scared to let go. You literally have to take your hands off the swing and jump off. You may not want to because you feel comfortable. You feel protected because you don’t know what’s going to happen when you jump off. Are you going to fall into the dirt? Are you going to land on your feet? You don’t know. So right now, this feels safe, but you have to jump off the swing. You have to let go. You have to take your hands off. Of course, you don’t know how you’re going to land, but you will land. That’s the definite. Even if you fall into the dirt, all you have to do is just dust yourself off. Dust yourself off and begin again. 

It’s just like learning to ride a bike. You may lose your balance and fall, but, you get back on and you try riding again. And the next time you don’t fall, or even if you do fall, what do you do? Pick yourself up and try it again—and again, until you get to the point where you’re riding, without training wheels, without someone holding the seat to balance you—you’re riding on your own. Likewise, when you let go, you give yourself the opportunity to call in the circumstance or relationship that is conducive for you. 

Self-Care is not selfish. Taking care of yourself, taking care of your mental state, taking care of your mental health, taking care of your body is not selfish. It’s actually one of the best things that you can do for yourself. We have to get to the point where we’re not worried about being comfortable anymore. We have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable— knowing that the change may be the boost that we needed to catapult us into our destiny.  

3. Don’t seek it out anymore. Once you let go of this situation or this relationship that is not serving you, don’t seek it out anymore. How many times have we left jobs, relationships, etc… only to check on it later? It’s like we get satisfaction at times from knowing that something or someone is not as successful now that we’re not in the picture. “I knew I was helping them to stay afloat.” “Wow. Everybody’s leaving,  serves them right.” Your satisfaction should come from the peace that you have as a result of moving on, not from hearing of other’s failure. 

4. Fill the void. Filling the void is not synonymous with replacing. You can replace a lightbulb, but you will never be able to replace a person. Filling a void simply means to find something that makes you happy. It could be volunteering, it could be traveling, it may be writing. You may fill that space with God, reflection, or meditation. Just find something that brings your joy. 

Take the time to get to know yourself. What are the things that you like? What are the things that you want to do? What are the things that you want to have in this lifetime? If you only live once, do you want to live in pain, in grief, in strife, disappointment or failure? Do you want to spend it in a relationship or friendship that is not mutually beneficial? Is that the way you want to spend the only life that you have? Live every day like it’s your last, put your heart and soul into everything that you do. Allow yourself to experience peace and joy! Did you do anything to brighten someone else’s day? It could be with your presence or your smile—it doesn’t have to be anything extravagant . Did you appreciate the sunshine today? Did you appreciate the flowers? Did you stop to smell them? Have you looked at the clouds lately and found shapes in them as we did innocently as children?

Ask yourself what fills your cup. When do you feel the most joy? And go after that! I’m not talking about those experiences that we have that feel good for the moment and then leave us feeling empty. I’m talking about what circumstances allow you to feel the most peace and security. Visualize that place and make it your reality.

So those are the ideas that I have for filling that void. And then once you’re healed, once you’re not filling that void anymore, once you’re not feeling that pain anymore. Once you’re saying it’s well with me, it’s well with my soul, anything that happens, whatever my life may be, whatever may happen to me, I’ve learned, and I’m saying it from experience, I’ve learned how to appreciate everything. Even when I know I did something wrong and something could have turn out a different way, I even appreciate that and have to say, thank you, God because you didn’t let happen, what could have happened, but you gave me grace. And I appreciate that. Even when things don’t go my way, thank you because maybe the way that I wanted things to go, weren’t the way that they needed to go and I thank you.

When the pandemic initially hit, I was devastated. I’m an extrovert and I wanted to be out and around people. But that wasn’t the plan for this time. The plan for this time was doing what I’m doing right now. Putting my thoughts onto paper and then being able to speak them to other people, working with people that I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to work with had I been doing my normal job because I would have been consumed by that. But in everything, even when it doesn’t work my way, even when it doesn’t go the way that I think it should go, in everything give thanks.

I am available on Twitter and Tik Tok @cssimplesecrets and on Instagram @ceessimplesecretspodcast. If you are ready to begin or continue your journey to being mentally and spiritually healthy, please check out “Not in Vain” on Amazon linked here and the companion journal for you to process and reflect on your journey is linked here.

“Pick yourself up and try it again, and again, until you get to the point where you’re riding, without training wheels, without someone holding the back of your seat to balance you–until you’re riding on your own.”